you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you win again, gameday.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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