mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
