My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
