Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
