This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
