ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I think my fart just growled at me.
Welp...herpes.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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