At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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