Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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