I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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