My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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