it was like eating out sand paper
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We're too hungover to prance.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
