I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
