I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Bring me that man meat
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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