just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
