He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
