Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
