he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
