Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
