Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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