I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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