i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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