Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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