i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
