I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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