ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
