Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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