you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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