Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
