after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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