dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
