dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need water and some morals
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
