Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
