i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
