Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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