I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
