He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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