you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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