why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
