So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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