Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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