you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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