Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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