paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
