I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Everything about him screamed your future.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
