Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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