found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
