i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
