put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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