Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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