I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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